I just wanted to shoot out a quick thank you for the supportive comments that Holly, Dee and LWM left in my last post. It's very much appreciated. My mind has been jumping through a lot of hoops lately, and I've been mentally "unsettled" and very "un-Robertish". That "impending anxiety attack" I've so often joked about finally caught me last Thursday... and I broke.

Please forgive me, if I don't go into details... I'm just not sure how to start... or if there even is a proper place to start from. Suffice to say: "I feel depleted" or "left bare" which may or may not be a bad thing. Oddly enough, my eyes feel clear... and I think I know what the problem is. I don't think I "dream" anymore... and I don't mean the ones at night when we sleep. I just "do". I just "exist"... and it's all for everyone else.  I can't say that I am "unhappy"... "discontent" is probably a better term. Tonight... now... I'm just "numb".

When my best friend, Mabelyn and I were trying to launch PANDORA magazine a few years back, I felt so driven... so alive... I had a purpose. I had a direction. You see... PANDORA was going to be this fabulous avant garde underground art mag for the average joe. LOL. We put so much hope and effort into it... and despite being unsuccessful in raising the capital required to launch it... I do feel that we both walked away so much wiser for having given it a shot. We're filing the legal paperwork this month to officially shut the magazine endeavor down. Have I accepted failure or was it just the wrong time for a fabulous idea? I don't know. It's over for now, and it's time to burry this particular dream... or at least put its ashes on the mantle, and move on.

Maybe I'm mourning me. I've become "mundane". LOL... that sounds so arrogant. I sit in a cubicle in a half empty floor during the day, and barely speak a word to anyone. I've disappeared. I'm invisible. Silent. Not there. Not acknowledged until something is needed. One of the sheep. The grey colorless sheep. There have been so many issues at work lately too that have tried to take their bite out of me... and despite my tought outer skin... some have gotten through. Again... details are pointless.

Even my art lately seems created for someone else. What would sell? What would people like?

I need to "dream" again. The glass overflowed, and everything came pouring out... even if was just onto a piece of paper or an e-mail. I finally just cried. For me. For my sister. Her daughters. Her husband. Brighton. My parents. My cousin. Mabelyn. Gysela. Ana. For me. "Mother Ocean drown me." I want to solve everyone's heartache, clear their roads... as though I am somehow almost spiritually obligated to not say "No"... To always extend the hand. Always reach out. "Everything works out, if you just give it enough time, and believe in that." My famous words. It'll probably be my epitaph: "It all worked out." LOL. Be the strength. Be the assurance. Be the pillar. It's almost instinctual... mentally pushing myself aside (regardless of how I feel), and making enough room to carry what someone else can't. Problem is... when you keep pushing yourself aside... eventually you push yourself out. 

So the glass overflowed and is empty now... and I feel empty now. But this is part of the journey too. Getting to that point in your life when you strip it all away, and you stand naked before yourself. What you've done. What you've seen. Suffered. Enjoyed. The hurt you've caused, and the hurt you carry. What you will accept, what you won't. So, I'm naked holding an empty glass just waiting for the Universe to fill it, because I can't. Not tongiht anyway.

Altar Shots
Here are some photographs I took of my altar. Thought I'd share them. The black fabric doll I picked up a few years ago while walking through New York. She had this fabulous "Santera / Brujera / New Orleans vibe", so I just had to own it. She's actually made from a coat hanger. The yellow and gold statue on the right is Oshun. The blue statue on the far right behind the simple blue glass chalice is Yemaya.

Brighton decided to put some of the bath salts we got from LWM into glass jars.