Blog... >drum beat<... Blog... >drumbeat<... Blog...

Ever feel a bit misplaced? lost? unsure of your footing or what your next step should be? Welcome to my world. I feel "out-of-sorts"... just "not quite right". Not sure why or if there's even a reason for it... but I'm "searching"... as though I'm meant to be doing more with my life... giving more... putting out more... bigger... farther... Minor mid-life crisis at 34? Doubt it. LOL.

I've put an enormous amount of projects on my plate in the past few months. Inspiration has been high. I want to do. I want to make. I want to create. I want to... I want to... Too many roads branching out from the same source. I built them all. Every stone. Every brick. I layed them down with my own hands. Where do they lead? Which one gets walked? What am I looking for? No wonder I feel lost... and silent.

I'm not the type of person who wallows in despair, or misery, or self-pity. Whether fortunately, or unfortunately... my life has never let me don that role. I function. I resolve. I fix. I have become "He Who Fixes"... the one that even closest friends and family seem to ONLY call upon when something has gone wrong. Not all the time... but more than enough to make me realize that I am viewed as "Mr. Fix-it". Should I be flattered? I am on a few levels. It's an ego stroke that people believe me to be capable of somehow fixing all their wrongs. Where did I put that wand? ...but who does my life belong to? Where does Azodnem end and Robert begin? Is there even a seperation anymore. Was there ever?

It would be nice to every once and awhile get a phonecall that says "Robert, do you need anything?", "Do you and Brighton need anything today?" ... but that's not the point... is it? That's not what it's about... is it? The universe takes care of that on its own, doesn't it? I know it does. I've seen life do some beautiful things when we least expect it to.

On one level, I had always resigned myself to spending my life alone. That it was what I deserved. That I was NOT meant to be happy. I had always dreamed of sharing my life with someone who would love me, honestly love me... but I never dared hope that would actually be the case. The Universe decided otherwise, and brought me Brighton. I love him more today than I did on the day I first saw him crossing the street to meet me. I had never seen his face, but I recognized it. I had always "known" it. The kiss he stole in Times Square changed and charted the rest of my life in one moment, and I will love him until my last breath. How could anyone NOT believe in magic?

I've never prayed or "magick'ed" for wealth... or fame... if those were due me, I always figured they would come. If they didn't, so be it. Setting up my online stores, however,  has filled me with a satisfaction I can barely put into words. I get so excited... even if it's just a button, or a magnet, or postcard... each sale means that my artwork touched someone. Reached someone. Of course, I want the shops to be successful, but It's not always about the money. It's about connections. Reaching out... and finding an open and receptive  hand on the other end.

I'm sitting here crying. LOL. Feeling a little foolish. I'm not lost. I've just opened too many maps. LOL. The long weekend has been fairly productive. I've managed to finally catch up on some minor mental errands I've been needing to do. I'll probably spend the rest of the day finishing those up. I made a list... LOL... a habit borrowed from my Virgo lover.

I feel beautiful.

I can relate to everything you've said about being the "fix-it" person, but wanting someone to offer to give back, to. We are human, Robert, and being acknowledged plays a vital role to our mental well-being. No one wants to feel invisible, online or in our 3-D lives. We want people to witness our lives, so that when we're finished, we can go in the knowledge that we made a difference.

You ARE beautiful, Robert. This is the truth, and if you ever wonder, just look at your art. Your beauty is reflected in the work you create.

Be well, be happy, and continue to love and be loved in return, my friend. YOU are magick...

(Telephone rings Az’s voice answers) I say, Hello yes its me, I just wanted to call and tell you I love you both. How are you doing anyway? Need anything at all. I plan to be flying by on my broom sometime today, do I need to bring you anything? May I take you both out for dinner? No no need to get fancy we can go where ever you like. I just want to give you something for a change, show you how much you are appreciated. So I will see you later, take care bugs to you both,” (Phone is hung up)
Hope this picks your day up Az, it was how I would like it to be .

As for you being Az or Robert I see you as both, not in a negative way but in a way that you are blending them both, finding a balance and growing, Your spiritual journey has been an interesting one and you have grown so much from when I first started reading your blog 5 years ago. I am proud of you and it matters not to me if you are Az or Robert you are now and will always be my valuable, loving, beautiful inspired and good friend

:)

I have just discovered RSS readers and have been reading all your writings and posts but I'm sort of moving backwards through it all. You and I are such kindred spirits, apart but together somehow, always walking side by side. Reading your journal is like a reflection into my own soul.