I just looked out the office window, and my eyes caught the glint of a strange metallic piece of red paper, floating and dancing a few blocks away trapped in the wind tunnels created between New York skyscrapers. Did anyone else notice it? I wonder. Ever feel like that little piece of red paper? Just dragged along? Floating around unnoticed?

I'm tired. I've been saying that often lately... but I am. So very tired. Never enough time. Never enough. Caught somewhere between the days that linger too long and those that disappear all too quick. Holiday blues? No. Just tired. I've tried to disappear... pull back... maybe recharge... find some lost reservoir of energy to renourish me. A Fountain of Youth. A Tree of Life. Everything feels grey around me. Just grey. Maybe not grey... maybe just lost. Lost.

My father has been in and out of the hospital about five times in the past three months. A mysterious stomach ailment no one can identify... despite an array of seemingly endless tests. Complications due to his diabetes, the lingering emotional shock and physical drain of his quintuple bypass in 2001, and the slow onset of dementia... just like grandma. Lost. He's disappearing. Just like grandma.

My mother is reaching a breaking point. The stress is taking its toll on her... watching dad deteriorate... and heaven forgive me... part of me wonders... is this finally the "cashing in" of her Karma? You see... she's not "mourning for him".... she's mourning for what she has to suffer because of what's happening to him... of what he's doing to her. Lost. Sad. Her view of the world around her is warped. Scattered. Twisted... and I am tired. She will never see the world through any eyes other than those of her own misery. Never enough time anymore. The days seem to just wisp away on a grey wind. Gone. Forgotten. Lost. The fairytale is ending.

My brother-in-law has also been in the hospital recently. Nothing serious. It seems as though his hands are beginning to suffer from a mild case of carpal-tunnel. The strange sudden numbness in his hands was just unsettling, no doubt. My sister's shoulders are heavy lately too. All the above, coupled with the daily stresses of being a high school teacher, and raising two active (dance, sports) teenage girls can take the life and fight out of anyone... even her. LOL. She needs rest.

Brighton's still been working so many hours. He is so very tired. Money is tight right now too. Real tight. For everyone. We all feel it. Like a noose.

There's been a lot of death in 2008. Sudden losses. Such darkness lashing out. Spitting. Hissing. Scratching. So many beautiful voices have just been silenced. I wish I could just turn my back on all of it... and disappear. Just lay my head down and wake up somewhere else. Lost. I feel grey. Clouded. Fevered.

I've barely been able to find the time or inspiration to sit and write anymore. Say what? Write what? Have I said anything worth saying? Have I made a difference? Does it make a difference if I have? Grey. Will I disappear? Will anyone notice? Do I want to make a difference? I need to cut through this grey spider's cocoon.

There's a patch of sunlight outside.