I have updated the Azodnem.com award pages with February 2008's winners:

The Dignity Award
This new monthly award is presented by Azodnem.com to websites and homepages created by, and/or hosted by members of the online Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender (GLBT) community. Its purpose is to recognize those sites and/or individuals who have contributed positively to the spread of knowledge and awareness and the promotion of diversity. Placement of The Dignity Award on the winning sites is not recquired, but would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to submit your website (or someone else's) for consideration, please contact Azodnem.

~ Congratulations Fat Lesbian Journal ~

Pagan of the Month Award
This new monthly award is presented by Azodnem.com to websites and homepages created by, and/or hosted by members of the online Wiccan and Pagan communities. Its purpose is to recognize those sites and/or individuals who have contributed positively to the spread of knowledge and awareness. Placement of Azodnem's Pagan Award on the winning sites is not recquired, but would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to submit your website (or someone else's) for consideration, please contact Azodnem.

~ Congratulations Mystic Lady ~

I've been giving out both of these awards since January of 2007, but aside from the dedicated page each award has on Azodnem.com, there's really no other notice of them. So, from now on, every month I will post a notification on my blog of that month's winners. Again, congratulations to both of this month's winners.

Sometimes the truth comes to us, like a wave against the shore.

In my last entry I said: "I have always believed that she (my mother) never forgave herself for leaving her family behind in Cuba, always blamed my father for that choice, and in turn, directed the lashes of her misery at my sister and me." Hurt people hurt others... but I've been doing the same thing, haven't I? How much longer am I going to blame her for the unhappiness in my life? At what point, does it stop being her fault? At what point do I need to stand up and take the responsibility myself?

I've always felt like I've denied myself so much happiness in my life because I knew the closest members of my family (my parents, my sister) would have issues accepting my "lifestlye". I've always felt like I didn't have the right to disrupt their lives, just to be happy myself. How dare I be so selfish. Is guilt the sign of an honest soul, or have I been playing the same "martyr" role, my mother so often expertly dons?

There is such an enormous chasm between my father and me. I've let my mother demonize him, and make him unapproachable... even though they are still married. She raised me to hate him, because she never had the courage to hate him on her own. She was afraid to lash out at him, so she lashed out at targets that were less threatening... her children. Hurt perple hurt others. But again... at what point does it stop being her fault? I'm not seven anymore. I'm not thirteen. I'm thirty-four.

I've been dealing with a lot of pent-up anger over the past year. I've heard my mother call me a "failure", a "disgrace", "a waste of her life", and how she would rather "cut off her own arm, than have a gay son." She's even gone as far as telling me that when she dies... I have to go to her funeral alone, because I'm not allowed to bring anyone with me. My mother sees me being gay as another punishment she must endure in this life... another nail to hold her up on the cross that has been her life. Yeah... she's a real prize at times. LOL. It's easy to direct my anger and hate at her after hearing things like that... but is it fair? Hurt people hurt others. She's a product of her generation, her culture, and her social and religious upbringing. That doesn't excuse it, but it does explain it... somewhat. I can't fully wipe her plate free of blame, but she doesn't merit a full serving of it. I can't change what she thinks, or what she feels. No matter what I say or do, I don't have the power to change her life or her outlook (only she can truly do that)... but I can change my reaction to her. I can take back the power I have given her to cause me pain.

There have been moments this past year where I have matched her vile comment hit for hit. It's easy to say that I needed to let out my anger too... but was that fair? Hurt people hurt others. I've often said I don't want to share her fate. I don't want to look back at my life when I'm in my sixties, and see a miserable life full of unhappiness... but she's chosen that. She's chosen misery. She's chosen to see nothing but the dark moments of her life... and that is not my fault... or my sister's. We may not always chose the road we walk, but we do chose how to walk it.