- Clothing: Black Shirt, Blue Bellbottoms, Black Sneakers
- Mood: Peaceful
- Music: Fire by Chris Kimber
- Weather: 90°
The silence on this blog has been deafening. Athough it most probably is only visited now by ghosts, spambots and wistful spiders wishing to leave their cobwebs, a proper entry to retire it is overdue. Despite the fact that I can honestly say that I have just simply been too busy to post an entry or even blissfully bloghop on Bravenet, it wouldn't be entirely true. On many levels I have shutdown and shut in. The past year has dragged me through the proverbial gauntlet, and although most of the time I managed to take each and every stride with a beautifullly faked smile upon my face, my shoulders felt as though their burden would eventually break my spine.
I have seen the man I love lose the dream of running his own business in a single day. There was no delicacy to its shattering, but there was an earthquake to mark the event. He eventually found his own way out of the dark, and even found a new dream. I learned that I can't fix everything. The sun will rise and the flowers will bloom without Roberto Mendoza telling them to. The Universe does indeed sort itself out, if you just trust it to and let it take the time it decides it needs. Patience, young grasshopper.
My father broke his hip last year, and after months of refusing to cooperate with the therapy that could have restored his mobility has ended up in a nursing home for the rest of his life. His mind has begun to slowly dance now somewhere between here, yesterday and some odd moment that is neither. Though, I realize that in some odd, sad way he has chosen his current circumstance, I have often felt as if he has been discarded to the Island of Misfit Toys.
My mother has been diagnosed with cancer. The treatments she has undergone have failed to completely eradicate the cancer but, at least, it has not spread any further either. She has become very frail, and the past few months have seen her go in and out of the hospital almost every week. However, she will not be coming home from this last time. She has three cracked vertebrae caused by numerous falls that she has failed to tell either my sister or I about. There are now several biochemical and neurological complications that will require her to go into a rehabilitaion center for a few weeks, and then into the same nursing home as my father... for the rest of her life. Irony or poetry? On the positive side, it will alleviate a great deal of emotional stress for every one involved. She needs constant supervision now and will be getting it. At some point later this month, my sister and I will need to begin clearing out her apartment. This transition will not be easy for her, at all.
Somehow through all this chaos, I have made my peace with my mother and the remainder of her journey. I no longer see her as the great dark adversary that always loomed over the bright horizons of my life. I think the world and her life just often proved too big, or too difficult to comprehend. Bitterness and fear were the only ways she knew how to cope with it. Simply put, she did the best she could. That's all any of us can do. I forgive her, and I forgive myself for my anger through the years too. It was the only way I knew how to cope. Anger never made me feel weak... but it was just as wrong.
This year has also seen my trust broken. So much so that I am in the process of filing bankruptcy. That was a heavy pill to swallow, but an insurmountable burden will be taken off my shoulders that should never have been placed on them to begin with. I have had the "horse-blinders" taken off of me quite harshly, and yes... there is a great deal of anger and rage I have been sorting through. There have been moments where it has felt as though that is all I had left.
I have every so often said that "I miss the old me", as if the old me was somehow some paragon of endless joy riding a unicorn across a golden road as rainbow colored skittles fell from the sky all around him. There were never any skittles. LOL. That's a disservice, I think, to the "me of now". He deserves more credit, and more respect than that. The most beautiful things are often forged in fire. I have emerged from my "dark night of the soul" shining brighter than ever.
This will, most likely, be the last entry here on my Bravenet blog. I will be moving to Blogspot soon. Feel free to blog-stalk me there once it's up, or follow me on Twitter or Facebook. I have updated all the links on the right, and have removed this blog's tagboard. Frankly, I am tired of seeing the spambots hold conversations on it about how to win a trip, a free pair of sunglasses or get bigger tits.
I wish everyone a fond farewell, and a leave you with a "thank you". Thank you for enduring me, for laughing with me, and for those who did... thank you for loving me.
~ peace out, bitches.
- Clothing: Comfy
- Mood: Edgy
- Music: Essence by Peter Kater
- Weather: 34°
Saint: The Holy Child of Atocha.
Day of the week: mondays and the third day of each month.
Colors and collars (ilekes): Red and black. His collar is made up of three red beads followed by three black beads. after the three black beads, a red bead alternates with a black bead three times. the sequence is repeated until the desired length is obtained.
Herbs: abre camino, (bunchosia media), cuban spurge, sargasso, wild convulvulus, foxtail, nettles, manyroot, crowfoot, neat’s tongue, white pine nuts, jack bean, spiny blite, nightshade, black eyed peas, ateje, (cordia collocea), heliotrope, pigeon peas, mastic tree, camphor leaves, chili peppers, corn stalks, corn leaves, and corn silk, avocado leaves, avocado roots, coconut husk, coconut palm stem, corojo, guava, wild croton, coffee, cowhage, peppergrass, dried rose buds, senna, soapberry tree, bitter bush, and mint among others.
Ornaments: elegua is never without his “garabato”, the shepherd’s hook (sometimes only a crooked stick or club) with which he metes out punishment.
he protects temples, cities and houses. he does this by residing in a helmet-shaped construction made out of stone or cement with cowrie shells for eyes. the small statue is placed next to an entrance way. from this abode, elegua protects all the residents. since he can be as playful as a child, tops, marbles and kites hold a special fascination for him.
Daunt [dawnt, dahnt]
– verb (used with object)
1. to overcome with fear; intimidate: "to daunt one's adversaries."
2. to lessen the courage of; dishearten: "Don't be daunted by the amount of work still to be done."
It's a great word, isn't it? Daunted. Daunting. It carries a precious flicker of old world mischief sprinkled with a little cinnamon. I like it... except when I'm feeling it. "Which way should my attentions flitter-flutter today?" asked the dreamer of his friend, the artist. "Where is inspiration's hearth? Have I walked too far and passed it, or is it still endless upon endless miles away?"
The artist continued on with his work, gingerly dipping his frayed brush into freshly mixed hues of blues, reds and violets. The dreamer wondered if he had been heard, for the artist never once looked up or away from the canvas before him. Then unexpectedly, the young artist spoke. "Inspiration... has moved. He no longer lives where once he did. He was getting too many visitors lately, but... if you care to look... you might find him that way." The artist pointed to the left, then the right, then to the earth, and finally to the clouds and the stars beyond them. The dreamer was not amused by this at all. Surely, he thought, the artist was going to be of no help today.
Frustrated, the dreamer sat down, and decided to do... nothing. He sat right at the artist's feet, and with his head and folded arms upon his knee watched the artist silently work. The dreamer believed, in error, that this might eventually annoy the artist enough for him to finally send him off with polite and proper directions. The artist took neither offense or notice. The painting his gentle, steady hand was creating began to bloom a wondrous and scenic path, covered in the many fallen, golden red leaves that usually herald autumn's timid arrival. The dreamer was enthralled, and his mind begin to skip and wander.
So lost was the dreamer in the quiet chatter of his imagination, that he failed to notice (at least, initially) that the ground beneath him had changed. The road in the painting was now, also... the same as the road beneath him. Even the leaves scattered at his feet were like those the artist had painted. "Amazing!" The dreamer exclaimed. The artist, again... took no notice. "Where does it lead? How far does it go? What waits at the end of it? Please, tell me!" The dreamer's excitement was obvious, and like that of a young child's giddy and uncontainable. "I don't know," said the artist. "My road is the one on the canvas. The one on the ground is yours."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am, "replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for marijuana."
6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get..
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
9. Sing along at the opera.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.
11. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your lives! They're loose!"
13. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter, and ask where the fitting room is.
I have discovered that I am a "slow" writer. LOL. I am currently only at (roughly) 26,000... since October. Granted, I only write about an hour a night, and a few hours on the weekend. My mind tends to wander and drift. I like strawberries and smurfs... and coconut ice cream. The number 4 is pretty too. I've also discovered that I am what is referred to as a "Fog Writer"... NOT to be confused with "Fag Writer" or "Fag Rider". Both of which are completely different things... although still apllicable. "Fog Writers" are not as mysterious as the term would initially imply; they work with no script or fully outlined plot summary (so I belive). Although, I do NOT have it all written out as notes in some lovely little notebook... enough of the story (stories) has (have) taken shape in head to fill, at least, four novels! I think I can honestly say that I am about 1/4th of the way through the book at this current moment. I need to remain focused, and determined. I need to push myself through the rest of Chapter 3!! LOL There is not a lot of action in this part, but rather a great deal of storytelling and lore takes place in Chapter 3, and I think THAT is what has been taking me the longest. The reader needs certain information and it needs to be provided in an entertaining manner that will keep them interested... hopefully! LOL. I'm secretly dying to get to work on Chapter 4... the shit REALLY hits the fan in that part (as well as in Chapter 6)! Don't you just love my vague rants? There's a great deal of my humor and sarcasm starting to filter into the novel. I can't help it. I promise I will do better about posting updates to my progress.
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Probably with Azodnem. LOL.
Despite the weeks long silence on the blog, all is relatively well I just haven't felt sufficiently inspired or motivated to blog-post lately. My apologies. My apologies for also not blog-visiting or blog-commenting as often as I used to or would like to. This post will be a brief "up-to-speed" post about the life of azodnem. LOL.
The 2010 redesign of azodnem.com continues. I am massively "trimming the fat". azodnem.com had too many pages that had nothing to do about me. Well, now it's ALL about me, bitches! LOL. There are still several pages that need tweaking, and a few more things that I need to post up... but I am loving the new look. Things are accessible. Simple. Links to my shops are on every page. Go have a look, and let me know what you think! I would love some feedback! ~ and as always... shop and support your local Azodnem.
Speaking of shops, I've been working on updating those as well. I have to add a bunch of new products and designs... including some new goddesses! >gasp<
I am still working hard on my first novel (in addition to all the above). I am currently at about 21,000 words... which I would say is about 1/4 of the way through the story. I'm trying not to focus on word count, though.
Also throwing together a logo for my mother's boss, and a cover for a friend of mine so he can post his book up on LuLu. Busy. Busy Azodnem. LOL. Nothing changes really, does it?
Ugh. What is wrong with my Bravenet Guestbook. First page looks OK... but then look at the entries on the other pages. WTF? ~ and I can't submit a help ticket, because I use the free version. >sadness<
A few months ago, I had helped one of our friends set up a website for her embroidery pattern buisness. She sells the digitized files of some really great and unique patterns for use on home embroidery machines. If anyone's interested, or knows anyone who embroiders, here's the link:
Of course, it also a partial shameless self promotion. LOL. Some of my art and design is available at her site for purchase and embroidery use.
If you're an artist (or know someone else who is) who may be interested in having some of their work available at Esque ~ shot them an E-mail. You never know. *wink*
Happy Belated New Year! Welcome 2010. A new decade. It's a nice looking number. I have a good feeling about it. High hopes... despite having a heavy case of the sniffles this morning.
First off, happy belated holidays ~ I've been awful about blog-hopping lately. I just haven't had the chance to visit everyone as often as I'd like to, but just because I may not have commented, doesn't mean I wasn't there. 2009 has taken a lot of my energy with it (and I mean A LOT)! It has been a very stressful past few weeks, and still aren't over the hurdle. "Everything works out" ~ That's been my mantra for ages. It does... if given enough time.
There are some great changes in store for 2010. I can feel it. Good changes. Be open to them. Be open to seeing them. Change your perception of things, and it can change your life. My newest obsession is Podcasts. I'm currently listening to three of them. They are free to download on iTunes, and it gives me something to listen to on my train rides to and from work. New insights. New ways of looking at things. New perceptions. New understandings. You get it.
The silence on my blog will probably continue for a bit longer. I wanted to write more today, but the sniffles are kindof pulling that desire out me now. LOL. >sniffle< >sneeze< ~ but do not fret... there is still life in this old Azodnem yet. LOL.
I'm going to disappear for awhile. I have a great deal of projects on my plate, and simply don't have the time to dedicate to a blog at the moment. I most probably will not be visiting other blogs for some time either. I will be disabling comments here as well until I return, because I wouldn't want someone to get offended if I can't return a response immediately. Nothing personal... just very busy.